With every positive there is always a negative coming right behind it...

This will be the third week living in Chicago. I really do love it. It's such an experience for me--especially being around new people everywhere I go--i.e. bus, train, college, walking everywhere. There have been many positives living here, thus far...but one big negative hovering over my head like a black cloud...be gone black cloud be gone.

College is going great, I'm learning how to cut vegetables and fruit in many different fancy cuts. Exciting, I know. I am very close to having a new job being a line cook/caterer for a few arenas around here...just need to get clearance from my background check. I really enjoy my roommate...Last night, I actually mustered up the courage to get on the back of her motorcyle and get a ride home. It was exhilarating and yet scary at the same time. It was nice having the wind blow through my hair and just looking at all the sights in the dark of night. I can definitely check that off my list of things that 'I'm surprised I've ever done in my life.'

Anyways, the negative that has been creeping around me is the boyfriend...We haven't had a decent talk in more than a week. He's been supposedly 'sick' and is contemplating whether or not he wants to continue this whole relationship with me. Why is it that he gets to make this decision? I should be the one making the decision...he's the one who's been treating me like I don't exist...I've always been there for him whether is was money issues, emotional issues, etc. But, of course, I would never mention those example to him...'cos I'm not that facescitious. I just don't understand...2 weeks ok, I asked him if he wanted to still be with me..and he said yes..and now he decided to make this decision...I hate this element of surprise...etc. I just hope he really sees that the pros outweigh the cons...but I do just want him to be happy...if I don't make him happy then...OK. Grand so...I'll politely step aside and let him find someone who will make him happier. It really saddens me immensely to think that I can't be with him anymore...but I just have to be positive...

Yep...positive. Bleh.

Morrissey - Our Frank (Official Video)

Finally found somewhere to rent...

Yes, I finally found a place to live. However, it is only a room I'm renting, but that room is mine--all mine. It's in a little area called 'Pilsen' it's South-West from the City Centre. I have two roommates--a girl and a guy(I've yet to meet him; since he's only there twice a month or so.) I'm excited and now feel like I truly belong here. Beforehand I felt like I was in limbo...a stranger...a visitor. I'm half the way happy...I wish I could feel 100% happiness at the moment. I still feel lonely and ugly. Maybe it's time for a transformation and become another 'Maria'. Bleh...I hate this feeling. 
     Boyfriend news...he's acting a bit indifferent and just seeming closed off. I miss the days when we would talk every single day...and now it seems like two or three times a week...I have to go by his schedule...which sort of leaves me feeling invisible, forgotten, uncared for,...etc. I'm just hoping for some positiveness from this. I'm waiting for him to come running back into my arms and tell me he needs me...that he truly loves me over and over again. 


Well lovelies...I really hope everyone is having a nice weekend. Thank you Margg., Nancy, and Wren for your comments...you're always leaving me feel much better.


Much love,


Maria xxxx

Random Sketches I've done...

Elliott Smith - Tomorrow Tomorrow

Only the lonely...

Yeah, I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment. I'm staying in a hostel until I find a room to rent...so far no luck. I wish I could feel a bit positive during times like these, but of course, my mind doesn't work that way. Chicago is a nice place, but I feel like I'm an animal that has been released to the wild after being held in captivity. Also, I feel so inadequate around all these strangers--they have a permanent place to live, they are beautiful, their lives look interesting from this onlookers perspective...and here I am...lost, lonely, ugly, fat, and don't have a place to call home.  Although, I'm happy with all the walking I get to do, the more I walk the less I want to eat. I eat once a day it seems, which is decent, I suppose.

*sigh* I wish I was able to be more social and have the ability to just start random conversations with strangers, but I can't. I have this initial thought that they will automatically reject me or think me as weird. I don't know, I really hate my mind. It's my enemy, my foe...etc.

Anyways, I hope tomorrow will be a better day. As for now, I'm sipping on a lovely cup of Irish Breakfast Tea...and probably will go to bed soon...

Much love,

Maria xxxxxxxxxxx

Well...I'm in Chicago.

Hey everyone!

It's been awhile since I posted on here. It's been a crazy couple weeks. I arrived in Chicago on the 18th and have been here for three days so far. I'm liking it, but it's a bit surreal being here and roaming around the place all by myself. It's a bit scary, but I shall be ok...or at least I think so.

I still haven't found a place to officially live in. I've replied to numerous of people about roommate ads and what not. I had one hopeful, but they backed out and never contacted me back before we were supposed to have the meeting....the little wreck-the-heads. I wish people would have the common decency of replying back instead of me getting my hopes up. Meany heads.

Anyways, I hope all you lovelies are having a great week or will have a great week!!!

Much love,

Maria xxxx

Rejected...

I am the epitome of rejection...

The end.

Waiting...still waiting...

I wish life could be like an old black and white film...

I haven't posted in awhile mostly 'cos I have so much on my mind...I put in my application for the apartment and still waiting for a reply. Hopefully they'll let me know soon. I just really hate this waiting game. Why does everything in life have everything to do with approval? For example, getting an approval on an apartment, needing approval from friends/peer/family/strangers, and etc. The worst thing about waiting for approval is the possibility of being rejected and that is the thing I fear the most.
     Oh well...I guess I just have to be patient and have faith that everything will work out for the best...or at least I hope so. I leave in a week for Chicago, so this whole week will be composed of me packing and getting everything sorted. I'm extremely nervous...the most nervous I've ever been in my life. But I'll get through it, somehow. Hah
      Today has been a mixture of failures and ok-ness...I spent all day preparing the food for dinner 'cos we had some people over. I made mexican food and a homemade Boston Cream Pie (which in reality it's a sponge cake with a pastry cream filling and topped with chocolate ganache). It turned out well...but I ended up eating too much. I wish I cooked crappy so that I wouldn't be tempted with sampling such fattening food. Ah well-- C'est la vie mes amis! We fall and yet we still need to get up and start over again and hope we learn from our stupid mistakes. Although, I think it might just be easier to stay face down on the ground and just give up.
      I suppose I'll end this here. I'll be updating soon on whether there's good news on the apartment or not. Fingers crossed.

Hope you lovelies are doing well. :)


avec l'amour,


Maria xxxxxxx

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."-Oscar Wilde

Louise Brooks--1920's Silent Film Star

It has been a rough week full of ups and downs...Although, today has been a decent day filled with a ton of positives. The first important positive thing was that my boyfriend told me he wants to still pursue this relationship of ours...but we both know it's going to be hard, I know we will get through it and just need strive to be with each other, in person, again. That left me feeling so happy and relieved. We hadn't had a decent conversation in a week and to hear that really lifted a huge weight  off my shoulders. I had fasted three times last week, for that issue, and it really helped. 

      The second positive was that I'm really getting close to choosing an apartment for when I move to Chicago in less than two weeks. They are both near Lake Michigan and are studio apartments (they are small, but it will be my first time ever renting a place. Eeep!) They are nice looking though and near the train station and 40 mins away from the college I will be going to. I just hope, that once I get there, I'll get a job. I really want another source of money rather than from my school loan. I don't want to worry about bills and school at the same time...that would be tres mal! :-) I'm excited though..I'll be able to walk everywhere. I won't have to rely on cars...and I'll have more stuff and entertainment near me...yips, hips, and leather whips! :-) Anyways, back to the apartment--I'm making my decision on Wednesday and sending in the application---I just hope I get approved. *fingers crossed*

      Hmmm...the third positive, I haven't been binging and trying to not to stress about what I eat. I'm trying to take everything day by day. So yeah, I'll get to my goal some day soon...especially when I get to Chicago 'cos I'll be much more active. Being in a small city...especially a small city in the desert...it takes a toll on one's physical activity. To much reliance on cars for getting you to places and the weather isn't much help either, but I know I'm full of excuses--oh well. ;-)

     Ok well, I guess I'm going to end this here. I'm rambling, bamboozling and etc.  I really hope you lovely ladies are doing well and each and every day is seeming more brighter and happier. You all deserve to be happy and carefree. :-)

Stay lovely...

Love always,

Maria xxxx
     

      
   

Random, old poems I've written over the years....

Untitled--28 Dec. 2009

Silence is my solitude.
My head is aching.
Thinking all the time.
Wondering too much.
Why is it so hard to deal with this huge, gaping hole in my heart?
My fragile, bleeding heart.
Do you even notice? Do you recognise my anguish?
It's all because of you...My love for you.
Please, notice this pain of mine. Please, I beg you.
I'm dying...slowly.


Untitled #2--28 Dec. 2009

Pushing you into the dark corners of my mind.
Keeping you there in secret...rarely do I frequent there.
Too much pain. Too much of everything.
Every time I step near that corner I get sucked in...into that never-ending vortex...
Stuck in your web of fabrications and lies...
My well-needed comfort lies there.


The cure for apathy--21 Dec. 2009

My ego is hidden in the shadows of apathy.

When apathy is taking over…It’s hard to care...hard to feel.
Love comes near and takes apathy by the hand and leads it away, slowly.
It starts to unveil this hidden ego of mine.
My dear and long lost ego!
Has love set it free?
How long will it last…Do I always have to rely on love as an apathetic cure?
If love leaves, will my ego go back in hiding?
When will I have the ability to stop relying on this precious treasure?
Maybe soon, hopefully forever, but maybe never…
Sadly, the apathy leisurely creeps up again…Please, save me.

Beauty Uncovered--11 May 2009

Opaque glass in front of me...
I can't see through it.
The only way to do so is to break it.
Break it into pieces...maybe.
I take a closer look.
It seems there is a slight beauty on the other side.
What is it? Who is it?
I must find out who I'm looking at. Find out her secrets.
How can I be like her?
It's hard to break through.
Thick opaque glass seeming to get thicker by the second.
Getting weaker--trying too hard to uncover the mystery.
Anger and sadness starts to settle in.
I suddenly give up.
I press my fragile face against the glass and tears start falling--starting to 'stain'
the glass making it look more clear.
I, slowly, start realising the beautiful and mysterious creature is me...

She was hidden...lost...forgotten.
I embrace her...and feel I can finally start anew or so I hope.

Alone-- March 2009

Moonlit skies
Alone I cry
Never knowing
Ever struggling
You are what I want
But I can never have you
Morning dawn
And still alone--I moan.
Heart broken
Impatient breathing
Wondering when you'll use those three little words towards me again.
Afternoon rain...
Still in pain
I force myself to forget the past...
And realise I'm alone for now...
And maybe alone forever more...

'I wear black on the outside 'cos black is how I feel on the inside...'

This positive outlook thingy-mahjig is not working to my favour. The more positive I try to be, the more the negative monster slowly creeps up. *SIGH* I didn't go to bed until 9 this morning...I called my boyfriend at 3.30am and just had a little chat to see what the matter is with him and his M.I.A status. He proceeds on telling me he's finding it very difficult that I'm so far away and he just hasn't been in the mood to talk to me(well he didn't actually use those words, but that was the jist of it)--but then he goes on saying everything will be fine; we will get through this and etc. To me that sounds like a foreshadowing of a negative event coming to past. I don't think I can deal with him making this decision. I've given him ample amount of opportunities to get out of this relationship and  if he's finding it unbearable...but he kept on promising me that everything is grand, that he wants to be with me, and that I need to stop worrying. How can he tell me to stop worrying when he's feeling this way and distancing his self away from me, especially when during times like these you should hold on tighter to each other more than ever? How can he even contemplate on letting go a year and a few months of memories we've had together? I could understand these feelings earlier on, but waiting until now is just cruel. Arrrrgh, I hate this feeling. I despise it. The only thing I can rely on is prayer and hoping God will show some sort of mercy on me and allowing everything to work out. I hate waiting and hate being surprised. I can be the most patient person ever, but when it comes to this you can only wait so long until you begin to wonder what the hell you've done wrong to deserve this and etc. Boys...stupid boys.

   I keep telling myself, "Maria, stop throwing yourself this stupid pity party...get over it. Remain positive and maybe everything will turn out OK....."I wish. I wish I could just listen to the positive and optimistic side of me, but I'm reverting back to having this pessimist take over. It's easier to be prepared to be disappointed rather than be optimistic and be let down. I know it's a horrible thought, but during times like these it seems only logic to do so. 
   Anyways, I'm just going to let life take it's course...I'm going to stop making this an issue and just hope he realises he would sacrifice anything to be with me...just like I would for him. If it does have a negative outcome, I'll take it with a grain of salt and try not to fall to pieces. I don't want to lose him, honestly...I care too much and love him too much. But is my love even enough? I hope. 


Hope everyone is having a great evening/day/morning...etc


Stay lovely, strong, and fearless,




Maria xxxxx

Trying to be positively optimistic...and a little background about me.

Padma Lakshmi---She is so beautiful; I'm jealous.

Today has been an...ummm....OK day, I suppose. I'm really trying to be positive. One positive of the day was that I talked to a lady about finding me an apartment in Chicago--I leave in seventeen days. Eeep. She seemed very nice and helpful and explained everything really well. I can't wait until she sends me the listings so I can get this over and done with. I want to have a guarantee on a place at least by next week. I don't want to arrive there and have to fork out the unnecessary money towards a hotel/motel for more than a couple of days. It's going to be an experience...definitely. It's going to be the first time moving out of the parent's house--yeah I'm a slacker in that area especially since I'm 26. It's scary going to a new city and not knowing a single soul, but I know I can adapt...or at least I hope so. haha.
     Next positive of the day is that I did OK with the food consumption---No breakfast, Lunch= Hot dog with five potato chips, Dinner=7 homemade mini chicken egg rolls and 1/4 c. fried rice. Yeah, I wish I would have eaten less than that, but what can one do. I do love food...I love the taste, but I hate what it does...I hate that it turns into calories and makes you gain weight. I just wish they made pills/tablets that had the taste of food but not the calories. The stupid Jetsons (cartoon)for getting my hopes up on the future of food. :-)
     Anyways, let me give you a little background on who I am, my family, my likes, dislikes, and etc. I was born in Victorville, CA at the home I live in now. I have a mother, a father and five siblings (two brothers and three sisters.) I'm the second oldest and have an older brother who precedes me. I love to draw/sketch--mostly I do sketches of people. I sing, play piano(self-taught), and love to dance. I love music. I couldn't live life without music, honestly. I used to go to school for Fashion Design but didn't finish that due to losing passion for it and being in a car accident after the first year. I'm going into college for Baking and Pastry at Le Cordon Bleu. I really love to decorate cakes and just bake in general. Ummm, I've been with my boyfriend for over a year...we met online and we've been with each other in person---but it's definitely hard being in a long-distance relationship. I love being random--but I am a bit too random, at times. I love donating blood 'cos it's a sane and healthy way of seeing what your blood looks like.

Genres of Music I enjoy--Eighties, Nineties, Classic Rock, Ska, Old-school Punk, Folk, Indie, Classical, and Broadway. Favourite bands/singers--The Smiths/Morrissey, Depeche Mode, Elliott Smith, Ian Brown/The Stone Roses, New Order, Joy Division, Oingo Boingo, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Bauhaus, Erasure, The Doors, The Beatles, The Who, The Misfits, The Adicts, The Zombies, Band of Horses, Grizzly Bear, White Town, Arcade Fire, Talking Heads...and so many others.  

I love reading; favourite authors/playwrights/poets--Oscar Wilde, Anthony Burgess, Ray Bradbury, Emily Dickinson, Christina Rossetti, Sylvia Plath, Samuel Beckett, Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte...and many others. Favourite books--Prozac Nation, A Clockwork Orange, Jane Eyre, Rebecca, The Picture of Dorian Gray, Pride and Prejudice, P.S. I love you, Valley of the Dolls, Angela's Ashes...and more.
   
I love to travel overseas--I've been to Ireland (Four times since 2006), Bologna, Italy, and Frankfurt Germany.

Fears--Rejection, losing loved ones, heights, snakes and any scary creature, dying of an unknown illness, unrequited love, awkward silence, ultimatums that lead to the demise of something important, being lonely, becoming an old maid with ten million cats, and having to turn left from a parking lot onto a two-way street.

Yeah...I think that explains 'Me' for the least part. I wish I was more cultured though and had more talents---but I'm definitely working on that.

I hope everyone had a good day/evening...etc.

Stay strong, stay lovely, and stay safe...


Much love,

Maria xxxxxxxxxx
     

Heaven knows I'm miserable now....

'Der Kuss'-Gustav Klimt

      I haven't posted in awhile--due to not being in the mood for it and feeling the lowest I've felt in weeks. I've been having horrible nightmares that have been making me wake up--screaming and crying uncontrollably. I don't understand why I'm plagued with these nightmares; I've always had nightmares ever since I can remember. Does anyone else have this nightmare problem? I ended up only sleeping an hour this morning and kept crying 'cos I couldn't get to sleep. I really need to invest in some sleeping pills. It's really hard not having health insurance, by the way. (Stupid America and no social medicine or whatever.) So, lately I've been having to rely on OTC medication to get me through...blah.

       I really think I'm having an emotional breakdown/melt down...etc. I haven't been on medication for a year and a half now. The last prescription I was on was Zoloft, and that stuff was crap---there would be days I would end up having these crying episodes and really just made me feel so off. Way before that, I was put on Prozac and that didn't work out too well either---made me gain weight and just made me want to sleep all the time. Later I found out, through a psychiatrist, that Prozac is usually given to anorexic/EDNOS patients to gain weight or men who have erection problems...which I found interesting. Anyways, I'm just rambling here, sorry.

      I'm feeling so helpless and hopeless...and it's probably my fault for feeling that way. I've been eating crap the past couple days...I did well on Monday, but Saturday, Sunday, and Today it's been horrible. I'm so miserable and I really hate when I mess up and eat. I really want to be perfect...or live up to other people's expectations of me. "Oh, Maria...you're so good at everything.." etc. etc. It really puts a toll on one's mind. I hate having to plaster on a fake smile everyday, even though I'm really feeling unbearably down. As of late, I've gone back to feeling a bit disassociated and not feeling like I'm actually here...it's the worst feeling in the world to look in the mirror and not recognise yourself and also the numb feeling that comes over you. I ended up getting upset and hitting my arm, hard, over and over---until I bruised. There is something beautiful about bruises...the colour of them. Yeah, anyways, I sound a bit mental saying that, right? Haha.

    Well, I guess I will end this here. I hope something good does happen this week. 

Stay lovely, everyone.

Maria xxxx
       

Je suis très stupide. Ich bin sehr dumm. Estoy muy estúpida. I am stupid, but it's ok. :-)

Edie Sedgwick--a free spirit. R.I.P

       Well, today (Actually yesterday...since it's 3.11am over here.) was a decent day. My boyfriend contacted me...YAY! The only problem was that I messed up and binged my heart out, unintentionally. I was doing so well until I went out to the cinema with my little sister, Sierra and my friend(Allia's boyfriend) Alex. We went and saw the film 'The Last Exorcism'. It was actually a decent film for being a faux documentary horror film. It had a little humour in it but a bit freaky at the same time.
      Anyways, before going to the cinema, I only consumed 650ish calories and had burned it all off. So I was at zero calories for the time being. Then, I went to the film snacked on some sour patch kids, pretzels, diet coke....and then after the film...DUN dun DUUUUNNN...In 'N' Out. Argggggggh, I wish I would have stayed vegetarian (In high school I was veggie for all four years and then wasn't for 5 years and then went back to veggie for 3 years...and so the cycle continues...), 'cos it would have been so easy to say, "Eh, no thanks. There's nothing I can eat here." Then I wouldn't have eaten the blahdy-blahness.  Well, I can't be too hard on myself 'cos I've done pretty good with not binging all week, so I'll let this one slide. I was able to go straight home afterwards and purge it all up---which makes yourself feel so much better.
     Yeah, so I'm not even going to attempt to type down all my food intake tonight 'cos I didn't measure anything out and I don't want to put myself in a downer due to it. BTW, I think I'm going to start a two-day fast on Sunday...the main reason is for my older brother, Michael. He was just deployed over to Afghanistan on Tuesday. So, it will be dedicated to him and for any other person who might be going through some sort of hardship at this time. So, hopefully I can practice the self-control and get through this. I will keep drinking liquids during the fast so that I don't dehydrate and what not.

   I hope all you lovely girls, who read this, are having a spectacular and magnificient day full of positiveness. I wish you all the best on this day to day fight on finally reaching your ultimate goal. I'm rooting for you to accomplish it!!!

Peace, love, and beautiful butterflies,

Maria xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tears run rings...

Marianne Faithfull-circa 1960s

    Well, I haven't heard from my boyfriend today. I rang him twice--no answer. I would like to think his phone was on silent or in a different room, but if he really didn't want to talk to me...it would have gone straight to voice-mail, right? Yeah, I'll just keep telling myself that. He did say he's been feeling flu-ish, but he was able to go to the gig and probably drink, but who knows...I do trust him. Anyways, today has been a bad day, nonetheless. My mind is the culprit...it's so cruel. I think I cried so much that I could have filled up a pond. Hmmm, I wonder if crying burns off calories. Probably doesn't burn that many, but it would be nice if it did. haha

     I hate being stuck in the house all day. I have my little dachshund, Harrison, to keep me company...but he's a bit evil at times and it just makes my episode of depression even worse. A positive thing is that I didn't eat much, but I'm still at 280lbs. But, I think it's due to me feeling so bloated, I need to take some sort of fibre supplement or just take some laxatives to help with that issue.  

     I really didn't get much sleep last night, either. I slept for two hours and then stayed up from 11pm-12.30pm and then took a two-hour nap. I really need to get myself some OTC sleeping pills 'cos this no sleep thing is driving me bonkers and is probably making me gain more weight. Argggh, I'm such a wreck the head, I'm pitiful, and I'm such a failure. I'm really going through Ireland withdrawals, it will be a year on the 18th of September (which is when I leave for Chicago this year, coincidentally.) I miss it so much. I will live there one day whether I have to kill someone to make that dream happen. Ok well, I won't kill anyone, but I'll do whatever it takes to get over there. Anyways, I'm going to end this ramble-bamble session here. I hope tomorrow is definitely a better day and I really hope I get a good sleep tonight, I really need it. Also, I hope God answers my prayers about my relationship with my boyfriend. I don't want to it to be over and I hope I didn't mess anything up with my constant insecurity with the issue. :-(

Here's my caloric intake for the day:

Breakfast- 

Red Plum-30cals.

Snack-

2 slices of pepperoni-20cals.

Lunch- 

1oz of Tortilla Chips- 140cals.

1/8c. shredded medium cheddar-60cals.

1tbsp of salsa-5cals.

Dinner-

Half of a chicken breast (Popeye's skinless and no coating)-168cals

1tbsp of mashed potatoes-62cals.

Total Intake=485cals.

Total Burned=813cals.

-328cals


P.S. Welcome to my two new bloggy dears, seeing that people are following this blog really brightened up my day!!! Thanks so much!

Peace, Love, and waterproof mascara,

Maria xxxxxxx

Update (27 Aug. 2010) ----------------------------------------------------------

Thanks so much, Margg.(BTW, welcome welcome!) and Wren for the comments...they really gave me a nice dose of positiveness (Which was definitely needed)!!!

I did talk to the boyfriend today and everything is grand. He apologised for not answering his phone and for not contacting me. So, all is good in this little neighbourhood of Mariaville! So, it was just me having a mental meltdown and me second guessing everything. Bad, Maria, Bad! *slaps own wrist*

Hope you girls are having a lovely day. Stay strong and lovely, my dears. xxxxxxx

Wishing this superstitious mind would just calm the eff down...

      I don't know why I'm so superstitious at times or feel that I might be jinxed when certain things or events happen. Is it because I want a scapegoat for why things go awry? Or is it because I'm just a routine-ish type of person and expect such things to happen on such given time. Anyways, the superstition of the day is the date of August 25th. Three years ago, exactly, one of my old boyfriends broke up with me after he got home from a late night party...he was also a long distance relationship living in Dublin, Ireland. (Yes, I really love Irish boys, I can't help it.) During that relationship I was about to move out to Ireland to be with him in a couple months, and of course it ended with a drop of dime. A year long relationship that I thought was going so well...and poof it ended like that. Of course I'm thankful it ended 'cos I would have never met my boyfriend of the present. He's wonderful...and of course we have the typical problems that come with being in a relationship, but we always solve our problems and etc. Anyways, tonight my boyfriend went to a gig of his favourite musician, Mark Lanegan. I bought the ticket for him and I'm happy I did 'cos he definitely deserves it. But yeah, I'm just sort of freaking out--thinking it will be the same outcome. I know in my heart it won't be, but I still get so scared at times. On a positive note, he did email me before he left and told me how excited he was and how he appreciated me giving him the opportunity to see this musician. I just hope I didn't open an opportunity for him to meet another girl who is a lot more interesting than me especially with the benefit of her living closer. :-( STOP it, Maria...STOP being so negative. Arrrrgggh. Someone save me from this mind, please! I hate it when things seem like they are going so well and then the next day everything just messes up royally. Maybe my negative thoughts make it happen...or it's karma coming back to haunt me. I don't know what I've done wrong for those sort of things to happen. Yeah, I feel emotionally retarded for thinking such things and letting it bother me. Blech. :-( The one thing that is keeping me afloat is my faith in prayer and knowing somehow God is there to take care of me. I'm not crazy religious, but I do believe in God and his mysterious ways of helping me out in times of crisis...Yeah. Pfffffttt....

        *SIGH* Another positive of the day is that I did pretty well with the calorie intake, small portions and all. Yippee.

Breakfast-

Red plum- 30cals.

Lunch-

1oz tortilla chips-140cals.

1/8c.Medium cheddar, shredded-60cals.

1tbsp Salsa-5cals.

1tbsp Sour Cream-30cals.

Snack-

3 chocolate covered wafers-130cals

English Tea with tbsp of milk-10cals.

Dinner-

1 egg, scrambled-70cals.

2 slices bacon-90cals.

1 buttermilk biscuit-100cals.

Vitamin Water- 100cals....geez Louise...

Total Consumed=765cals.

Total Burned=1190cals.

-425 cals. for the day! Yay! But I'll be working out later to burn off more. :-)

   Anyways, I just hope tomorrow is a good day and that I'll hear from my love and I truly hope he had a good time. Please no bad news....pretty please with a cherry on top. :-/ 

Peace, love, and high hopes,

Maria xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Feeling like the most inept that has ever stepped on the face of this Earth...

Oh Twiggy! I'm so jealous of you!

   Sometimes I wish I could just fall back into my old habits of cutting when I'm feeling down and depressed. Amazingly, I haven't cut myself in three months--although I struggle with it every day. The only reason I don't cut myself is because I promised my boyfriend that I wouldn't, but it's on my mind, constantly. I lust for pain to get me through these hard times. Pain is the only thing that you can count on. Love and happiness are fleeting...I wish they could just be a constant companion. Self-destruction is the constant shadow that follows me and sabotages everything dear to me.

    Anyways, a little background with my cutting...I've been struggling with this issue since the age of eight...it's always been there to get me through the times of rejection, times of verbal abuse from my sister, times of just feeling like a failure...and etc. I'm 26 now, and I still haven't learned to cope with my issues, whichever ones they may be.  Well, I know that my body image has always been the constant issue. I've always felt I was being compared to others...my younger sisters, my friends, and just others in general. I used to be a pill-popper especially with diet pills...I wish they still had strong diet pills like they did a few years ago...I know I lost a lot of weight during those times...but it definitely has messed up my metabolism and sleeping patterns a whole lot.

       I've realised when I'm really depressed it's easier to go without food for weeks...so I, sometimes, secretly like being depressed 'cos it does aid in the weight loss immensely. Arrrgh, I feel so messed up mentally. I obsess too much...I think I've gained so much weight recently because I just stopped caring and thinking about what I ate and also I stopped being vegetarian 'cos I thought it was easier to cook for the family if I ate what they ate...and it's messed me up. Blah. I just really want to be perfect for my boyfriend...I want him to be proud to have a girlfriend like me...proud of how I look. He's skinny...and of course, I secretly feel inadequate because of it. He can eat whatever he wants and not gain a pound or an ounce, but boys/men are lucky in that area. Boo hiss to them and their fast metabolisms!!!!

      Anyways, here's my caloric intake for today...of course I messed up again, but I did burn the necessary calories to make it seem ok...

Breakfast-

3/4 c. Honey Bunches of Oats with 1/2c. milk-150cals.

Snack-

Red Plum-30cals.

Lunch-

Chicken Hot Dog-140cals.

1 slice of white bread-67cals.

Ketchup-15cals.

Mustard-0cals.

Dinner-

4oz Pork Loin Chop-140cals.

1/8c. mashed potatoes-124cals.

Peas-40cals.

Pork gravy-60cals.

Evening Snack-

6 chocolate covered wafers(blah)-260cals.

16oz mocha from AMPM-190cals. (Double blah :-()

Total Consumed: 1216cals. :-(

Total Burned: 1481cals.

So in actuality, I'm in the negative,which is good, but in order to lose weight I need to burn more calories.

They say 3500cals=a pound...arggh...I really need to up the exercise....so I shall do some jumping rope right after I post this...EEP! Wish me luck.

Peace, Love, and blahness....

Maria xxxxxx

Edit @ 1.01am

I forgot to add that I had a cherry popsicle (45cals.) at lunchtime...so that brings up the total to 1261cals. I just got finished with ten minutes of jumping rope and eighteen minutes of jogging in place so...yippee-whoo-whoo! (-481cals.) :-)

    

To binge or not to binge...that is the question.

     Oy Vey to Mondays....I hate them, too. Pretty much I dislike every day. I suppose it's because I'm jobless at the moment and have been for a little over a year. I'm not lazy though, I don't lounge about the house doing nothing. I'm pretty much the housekeeper and cook for my family--well that is until I move to Chicago. I shall miss cooking for the family 'cos at least I can hide the times I don't want to eat and just tell them, "Oh, I ate earlier..." I really look forward to Chicago.  I'll be able to walk everywhere and I won't have to rely on a car...which has always been my dream. I've been to Ireland a few times--walking and exploring places was definitely some of my favourite parts...well my favourite was spending time with my boyfriend doing that stuff.

     Anyways, food is definitely the devil. I wish counting calories weren't so frustrating, especially when you make mostly everything out of scratch. It seems so much easier when you just don't eat anything...'cos when you have your first bite of food the binging frenzy starts.  PFFT! One great thing is that any activity you do does burn of some off those calories...even taking a nap. The best website alive is www.livestrong.com . On there you can enter in all your daily food intake and fitness and it will calculate everything for you...it's great and addicting. 

My Daily Caloric Intake:

Breakfast- 

Greek Yoghurt (Honey Vanilla)-130 cals.

Lunch- 

Two quesadillas with salsa-440 cals.

Snack-

Cherry popsicle- 45cals.

Dinner-

Taco Salad- 577.31cals.

Evening Snack- (Blah to me, I know!)

Two pieces of toast with raspberry jam- 240cals.

English tea with splenda (and splash of milk)-10cals.

Total Calories Consumed= 1442cals.(BLAH to the max!)

Total Calories Burned= 1000cals.(YEAH!)

     I hope tomorrow proves to be a lot better. I'll eat a lot of fruit and veggies and eat small portions of everything that is bad or me. Good luck to me!

Peace, love, and blah-blee-blah,

Maria xxxxx

Sundays aren't fun-days...

I'm so jealous of her legs...pfft. :-<

Bleh....I truly hate Sunday. It's deemed the day of rest, but in actuality it's the the day of feeling lazy, eating too much, and missing that certain someone way too much. I started out pretty well. I had lunch which consisted of a 2oz. portion of penne with sausage marinara (which I made myself) and a nice big bottle of water. (350cals) After that I ended up falling asleep for 5 hours straight... I don't know if that's good or bad, but I didn't get any sleep last night. I went to bed at 5am and woke up at 8am. I really need to get my sleeping back on schedule...especially since I'm moving to Chicago, IL in 27 days and going back to college (at Le Cordon Bleu) in a little more than a month.

      Anyways, after waking up from the much needed rest, I ended up scarfing down a BLT (390cals) and two pieces of toasted white pan bread with raspberry jam (240cals). Blah, I feel like such a failure after I eat. I definitely feel better about myself when I don't have a gram of food floating around in my stomach, but I suppose that's not possible sometimes. I wish it were.
        I feel so lonely at the moment. It is definitely hard being in a long distance relationship, but when you really love someone you'd sacrifice anything for a future with that person, and he is someone I want to be with in my future, indefinitely. I just really need to stay positive and look forward to the day he'll be able to move out to Chicago with me so we can start our new life together. I pray every single day that everything will work out in the best possible way...I really don't know what I would do if he were to suddenly disappear out of my life...it would truly be heartbreaking. :-(
      Well, I guess I will end this blog here...I'm feeling a bit melancholy, morose...depressed. I just hope tomorrow is a better day...filled with love, no binging, and just positiveness. Hope luck is on my side.


Total Consumed: 980cals
Total Burned: 400cals

Peace, love, and hopefully a skinny bum sometime soon,

Maria xxxx

Late night/early morning thoughts and first post.

Sharon Tate...She was so gorgeous. (RIP)

     Well, here I am...it's 4am over here in California, and I'm still awake. I should be asleep, but I've been having trouble with the whole sleep thing for the last few weeks. It's a bit daunting and frustrating, but I suppose that's life. Anyways, I decided to start this blog to keep tabs on my diet, my emotions...basically my daily life. I know no one will read this blog, but at least it will help get random and harmful thoughts out of my head. Yeah.
     Today (well, actually yesterday) I had a decent day, I think. I had a good time talking to my boyfriend, who's miles upon miles away in Ireland...so any time that I get to talk to him makes my day go a lot better. After talking to him on the phone, I went to the cinema with my sister, Sierra and her two friends Dawn and Mandy. Allia's (my other sister) boyfriend was there, too. We ended up seeing 'Vampire Sucks'. It was an OK film, it was so stupid that you just had to laugh at it. And, I ended up eating too much in the evening, which is a No, NO, no...I was doing so well with eating some fruit earlier and then at 9pm I ended up eating Del Taco. After the film, I ended up eating at In-N-out....bleh. Cheeseburger, some fries and a strawberry blahshake. The only saving grace was being able to come straight home afterwards and purge most of it out...'cos my stomach didn't appreciate the shite. But yeah...I really need to lose weight. I've gained so much weight the past few months from stress, holidays, and depression. I just don't understand how it happens so fast. You gain the weight fast, but it takes ages to work off the weight. Blah to the max.
     I've always had this problem...my weight fluctuating, constantly. I wonder if I messed up my metabolism when I was around the age of eight. I remember my friends and I would go on these diets where we would try not to eat much and if we did eat a lot we would vomit it all up...what an unhealthy way to start a childhood....having a eating disorder. Now at the age of 26, I'm still on this roller coaster, just hope that one day soon I'll be at a weight I'm happy and proud to be at...I want this 'pretty' face of mine to be part of a whole package of prettiness...hopefully this blog will allow me to accomplish this goal/dream. Hope is the keyword...

Cheers.

xxxx