With every positive there is always a negative coming right behind it...

This will be the third week living in Chicago. I really do love it. It's such an experience for me--especially being around new people everywhere I go--i.e. bus, train, college, walking everywhere. There have been many positives living here, thus far...but one big negative hovering over my head like a black cloud...be gone black cloud be gone.

College is going great, I'm learning how to cut vegetables and fruit in many different fancy cuts. Exciting, I know. I am very close to having a new job being a line cook/caterer for a few arenas around here...just need to get clearance from my background check. I really enjoy my roommate...Last night, I actually mustered up the courage to get on the back of her motorcyle and get a ride home. It was exhilarating and yet scary at the same time. It was nice having the wind blow through my hair and just looking at all the sights in the dark of night. I can definitely check that off my list of things that 'I'm surprised I've ever done in my life.'

Anyways, the negative that has been creeping around me is the boyfriend...We haven't had a decent talk in more than a week. He's been supposedly 'sick' and is contemplating whether or not he wants to continue this whole relationship with me. Why is it that he gets to make this decision? I should be the one making the decision...he's the one who's been treating me like I don't exist...I've always been there for him whether is was money issues, emotional issues, etc. But, of course, I would never mention those example to him...'cos I'm not that facescitious. I just don't understand...2 weeks ok, I asked him if he wanted to still be with me..and he said yes..and now he decided to make this decision...I hate this element of surprise...etc. I just hope he really sees that the pros outweigh the cons...but I do just want him to be happy...if I don't make him happy then...OK. Grand so...I'll politely step aside and let him find someone who will make him happier. It really saddens me immensely to think that I can't be with him anymore...but I just have to be positive...

Yep...positive. Bleh.

Morrissey - Our Frank (Official Video)

Finally found somewhere to rent...

Yes, I finally found a place to live. However, it is only a room I'm renting, but that room is mine--all mine. It's in a little area called 'Pilsen' it's South-West from the City Centre. I have two roommates--a girl and a guy(I've yet to meet him; since he's only there twice a month or so.) I'm excited and now feel like I truly belong here. Beforehand I felt like I was in limbo...a stranger...a visitor. I'm half the way happy...I wish I could feel 100% happiness at the moment. I still feel lonely and ugly. Maybe it's time for a transformation and become another 'Maria'. Bleh...I hate this feeling. 
     Boyfriend news...he's acting a bit indifferent and just seeming closed off. I miss the days when we would talk every single day...and now it seems like two or three times a week...I have to go by his schedule...which sort of leaves me feeling invisible, forgotten, uncared for,...etc. I'm just hoping for some positiveness from this. I'm waiting for him to come running back into my arms and tell me he needs me...that he truly loves me over and over again. 


Well lovelies...I really hope everyone is having a nice weekend. Thank you Margg., Nancy, and Wren for your comments...you're always leaving me feel much better.


Much love,


Maria xxxx