Random Sketches I've done...

Elliott Smith - Tomorrow Tomorrow

Only the lonely...

Yeah, I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment. I'm staying in a hostel until I find a room to rent...so far no luck. I wish I could feel a bit positive during times like these, but of course, my mind doesn't work that way. Chicago is a nice place, but I feel like I'm an animal that has been released to the wild after being held in captivity. Also, I feel so inadequate around all these strangers--they have a permanent place to live, they are beautiful, their lives look interesting from this onlookers perspective...and here I am...lost, lonely, ugly, fat, and don't have a place to call home.  Although, I'm happy with all the walking I get to do, the more I walk the less I want to eat. I eat once a day it seems, which is decent, I suppose.

*sigh* I wish I was able to be more social and have the ability to just start random conversations with strangers, but I can't. I have this initial thought that they will automatically reject me or think me as weird. I don't know, I really hate my mind. It's my enemy, my foe...etc.

Anyways, I hope tomorrow will be a better day. As for now, I'm sipping on a lovely cup of Irish Breakfast Tea...and probably will go to bed soon...

Much love,

Maria xxxxxxxxxxx

Well...I'm in Chicago.

Hey everyone!

It's been awhile since I posted on here. It's been a crazy couple weeks. I arrived in Chicago on the 18th and have been here for three days so far. I'm liking it, but it's a bit surreal being here and roaming around the place all by myself. It's a bit scary, but I shall be ok...or at least I think so.

I still haven't found a place to officially live in. I've replied to numerous of people about roommate ads and what not. I had one hopeful, but they backed out and never contacted me back before we were supposed to have the meeting....the little wreck-the-heads. I wish people would have the common decency of replying back instead of me getting my hopes up. Meany heads.

Anyways, I hope all you lovelies are having a great week or will have a great week!!!

Much love,

Maria xxxx

Rejected...

I am the epitome of rejection...

The end.

Waiting...still waiting...

I wish life could be like an old black and white film...

I haven't posted in awhile mostly 'cos I have so much on my mind...I put in my application for the apartment and still waiting for a reply. Hopefully they'll let me know soon. I just really hate this waiting game. Why does everything in life have everything to do with approval? For example, getting an approval on an apartment, needing approval from friends/peer/family/strangers, and etc. The worst thing about waiting for approval is the possibility of being rejected and that is the thing I fear the most.
     Oh well...I guess I just have to be patient and have faith that everything will work out for the best...or at least I hope so. I leave in a week for Chicago, so this whole week will be composed of me packing and getting everything sorted. I'm extremely nervous...the most nervous I've ever been in my life. But I'll get through it, somehow. Hah
      Today has been a mixture of failures and ok-ness...I spent all day preparing the food for dinner 'cos we had some people over. I made mexican food and a homemade Boston Cream Pie (which in reality it's a sponge cake with a pastry cream filling and topped with chocolate ganache). It turned out well...but I ended up eating too much. I wish I cooked crappy so that I wouldn't be tempted with sampling such fattening food. Ah well-- C'est la vie mes amis! We fall and yet we still need to get up and start over again and hope we learn from our stupid mistakes. Although, I think it might just be easier to stay face down on the ground and just give up.
      I suppose I'll end this here. I'll be updating soon on whether there's good news on the apartment or not. Fingers crossed.

Hope you lovelies are doing well. :)


avec l'amour,


Maria xxxxxxx

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."-Oscar Wilde

Louise Brooks--1920's Silent Film Star

It has been a rough week full of ups and downs...Although, today has been a decent day filled with a ton of positives. The first important positive thing was that my boyfriend told me he wants to still pursue this relationship of ours...but we both know it's going to be hard, I know we will get through it and just need strive to be with each other, in person, again. That left me feeling so happy and relieved. We hadn't had a decent conversation in a week and to hear that really lifted a huge weight  off my shoulders. I had fasted three times last week, for that issue, and it really helped. 

      The second positive was that I'm really getting close to choosing an apartment for when I move to Chicago in less than two weeks. They are both near Lake Michigan and are studio apartments (they are small, but it will be my first time ever renting a place. Eeep!) They are nice looking though and near the train station and 40 mins away from the college I will be going to. I just hope, that once I get there, I'll get a job. I really want another source of money rather than from my school loan. I don't want to worry about bills and school at the same time...that would be tres mal! :-) I'm excited though..I'll be able to walk everywhere. I won't have to rely on cars...and I'll have more stuff and entertainment near me...yips, hips, and leather whips! :-) Anyways, back to the apartment--I'm making my decision on Wednesday and sending in the application---I just hope I get approved. *fingers crossed*

      Hmmm...the third positive, I haven't been binging and trying to not to stress about what I eat. I'm trying to take everything day by day. So yeah, I'll get to my goal some day soon...especially when I get to Chicago 'cos I'll be much more active. Being in a small city...especially a small city in the desert...it takes a toll on one's physical activity. To much reliance on cars for getting you to places and the weather isn't much help either, but I know I'm full of excuses--oh well. ;-)

     Ok well, I guess I'm going to end this here. I'm rambling, bamboozling and etc.  I really hope you lovely ladies are doing well and each and every day is seeming more brighter and happier. You all deserve to be happy and carefree. :-)

Stay lovely...

Love always,

Maria xxxx
     

      
   

Random, old poems I've written over the years....

Untitled--28 Dec. 2009

Silence is my solitude.
My head is aching.
Thinking all the time.
Wondering too much.
Why is it so hard to deal with this huge, gaping hole in my heart?
My fragile, bleeding heart.
Do you even notice? Do you recognise my anguish?
It's all because of you...My love for you.
Please, notice this pain of mine. Please, I beg you.
I'm dying...slowly.


Untitled #2--28 Dec. 2009

Pushing you into the dark corners of my mind.
Keeping you there in secret...rarely do I frequent there.
Too much pain. Too much of everything.
Every time I step near that corner I get sucked in...into that never-ending vortex...
Stuck in your web of fabrications and lies...
My well-needed comfort lies there.


The cure for apathy--21 Dec. 2009

My ego is hidden in the shadows of apathy.

When apathy is taking over…It’s hard to care...hard to feel.
Love comes near and takes apathy by the hand and leads it away, slowly.
It starts to unveil this hidden ego of mine.
My dear and long lost ego!
Has love set it free?
How long will it last…Do I always have to rely on love as an apathetic cure?
If love leaves, will my ego go back in hiding?
When will I have the ability to stop relying on this precious treasure?
Maybe soon, hopefully forever, but maybe never…
Sadly, the apathy leisurely creeps up again…Please, save me.

Beauty Uncovered--11 May 2009

Opaque glass in front of me...
I can't see through it.
The only way to do so is to break it.
Break it into pieces...maybe.
I take a closer look.
It seems there is a slight beauty on the other side.
What is it? Who is it?
I must find out who I'm looking at. Find out her secrets.
How can I be like her?
It's hard to break through.
Thick opaque glass seeming to get thicker by the second.
Getting weaker--trying too hard to uncover the mystery.
Anger and sadness starts to settle in.
I suddenly give up.
I press my fragile face against the glass and tears start falling--starting to 'stain'
the glass making it look more clear.
I, slowly, start realising the beautiful and mysterious creature is me...

She was hidden...lost...forgotten.
I embrace her...and feel I can finally start anew or so I hope.

Alone-- March 2009

Moonlit skies
Alone I cry
Never knowing
Ever struggling
You are what I want
But I can never have you
Morning dawn
And still alone--I moan.
Heart broken
Impatient breathing
Wondering when you'll use those three little words towards me again.
Afternoon rain...
Still in pain
I force myself to forget the past...
And realise I'm alone for now...
And maybe alone forever more...

'I wear black on the outside 'cos black is how I feel on the inside...'

This positive outlook thingy-mahjig is not working to my favour. The more positive I try to be, the more the negative monster slowly creeps up. *SIGH* I didn't go to bed until 9 this morning...I called my boyfriend at 3.30am and just had a little chat to see what the matter is with him and his M.I.A status. He proceeds on telling me he's finding it very difficult that I'm so far away and he just hasn't been in the mood to talk to me(well he didn't actually use those words, but that was the jist of it)--but then he goes on saying everything will be fine; we will get through this and etc. To me that sounds like a foreshadowing of a negative event coming to past. I don't think I can deal with him making this decision. I've given him ample amount of opportunities to get out of this relationship and  if he's finding it unbearable...but he kept on promising me that everything is grand, that he wants to be with me, and that I need to stop worrying. How can he tell me to stop worrying when he's feeling this way and distancing his self away from me, especially when during times like these you should hold on tighter to each other more than ever? How can he even contemplate on letting go a year and a few months of memories we've had together? I could understand these feelings earlier on, but waiting until now is just cruel. Arrrrgh, I hate this feeling. I despise it. The only thing I can rely on is prayer and hoping God will show some sort of mercy on me and allowing everything to work out. I hate waiting and hate being surprised. I can be the most patient person ever, but when it comes to this you can only wait so long until you begin to wonder what the hell you've done wrong to deserve this and etc. Boys...stupid boys.

   I keep telling myself, "Maria, stop throwing yourself this stupid pity party...get over it. Remain positive and maybe everything will turn out OK....."I wish. I wish I could just listen to the positive and optimistic side of me, but I'm reverting back to having this pessimist take over. It's easier to be prepared to be disappointed rather than be optimistic and be let down. I know it's a horrible thought, but during times like these it seems only logic to do so. 
   Anyways, I'm just going to let life take it's course...I'm going to stop making this an issue and just hope he realises he would sacrifice anything to be with me...just like I would for him. If it does have a negative outcome, I'll take it with a grain of salt and try not to fall to pieces. I don't want to lose him, honestly...I care too much and love him too much. But is my love even enough? I hope. 


Hope everyone is having a great evening/day/morning...etc


Stay lovely, strong, and fearless,




Maria xxxxx

Trying to be positively optimistic...and a little background about me.

Padma Lakshmi---She is so beautiful; I'm jealous.

Today has been an...ummm....OK day, I suppose. I'm really trying to be positive. One positive of the day was that I talked to a lady about finding me an apartment in Chicago--I leave in seventeen days. Eeep. She seemed very nice and helpful and explained everything really well. I can't wait until she sends me the listings so I can get this over and done with. I want to have a guarantee on a place at least by next week. I don't want to arrive there and have to fork out the unnecessary money towards a hotel/motel for more than a couple of days. It's going to be an experience...definitely. It's going to be the first time moving out of the parent's house--yeah I'm a slacker in that area especially since I'm 26. It's scary going to a new city and not knowing a single soul, but I know I can adapt...or at least I hope so. haha.
     Next positive of the day is that I did OK with the food consumption---No breakfast, Lunch= Hot dog with five potato chips, Dinner=7 homemade mini chicken egg rolls and 1/4 c. fried rice. Yeah, I wish I would have eaten less than that, but what can one do. I do love food...I love the taste, but I hate what it does...I hate that it turns into calories and makes you gain weight. I just wish they made pills/tablets that had the taste of food but not the calories. The stupid Jetsons (cartoon)for getting my hopes up on the future of food. :-)
     Anyways, let me give you a little background on who I am, my family, my likes, dislikes, and etc. I was born in Victorville, CA at the home I live in now. I have a mother, a father and five siblings (two brothers and three sisters.) I'm the second oldest and have an older brother who precedes me. I love to draw/sketch--mostly I do sketches of people. I sing, play piano(self-taught), and love to dance. I love music. I couldn't live life without music, honestly. I used to go to school for Fashion Design but didn't finish that due to losing passion for it and being in a car accident after the first year. I'm going into college for Baking and Pastry at Le Cordon Bleu. I really love to decorate cakes and just bake in general. Ummm, I've been with my boyfriend for over a year...we met online and we've been with each other in person---but it's definitely hard being in a long-distance relationship. I love being random--but I am a bit too random, at times. I love donating blood 'cos it's a sane and healthy way of seeing what your blood looks like.

Genres of Music I enjoy--Eighties, Nineties, Classic Rock, Ska, Old-school Punk, Folk, Indie, Classical, and Broadway. Favourite bands/singers--The Smiths/Morrissey, Depeche Mode, Elliott Smith, Ian Brown/The Stone Roses, New Order, Joy Division, Oingo Boingo, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Bauhaus, Erasure, The Doors, The Beatles, The Who, The Misfits, The Adicts, The Zombies, Band of Horses, Grizzly Bear, White Town, Arcade Fire, Talking Heads...and so many others.  

I love reading; favourite authors/playwrights/poets--Oscar Wilde, Anthony Burgess, Ray Bradbury, Emily Dickinson, Christina Rossetti, Sylvia Plath, Samuel Beckett, Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte...and many others. Favourite books--Prozac Nation, A Clockwork Orange, Jane Eyre, Rebecca, The Picture of Dorian Gray, Pride and Prejudice, P.S. I love you, Valley of the Dolls, Angela's Ashes...and more.
   
I love to travel overseas--I've been to Ireland (Four times since 2006), Bologna, Italy, and Frankfurt Germany.

Fears--Rejection, losing loved ones, heights, snakes and any scary creature, dying of an unknown illness, unrequited love, awkward silence, ultimatums that lead to the demise of something important, being lonely, becoming an old maid with ten million cats, and having to turn left from a parking lot onto a two-way street.

Yeah...I think that explains 'Me' for the least part. I wish I was more cultured though and had more talents---but I'm definitely working on that.

I hope everyone had a good day/evening...etc.

Stay strong, stay lovely, and stay safe...


Much love,

Maria xxxxxxxxxx