Heaven knows I'm miserable now....

'Der Kuss'-Gustav Klimt

      I haven't posted in awhile--due to not being in the mood for it and feeling the lowest I've felt in weeks. I've been having horrible nightmares that have been making me wake up--screaming and crying uncontrollably. I don't understand why I'm plagued with these nightmares; I've always had nightmares ever since I can remember. Does anyone else have this nightmare problem? I ended up only sleeping an hour this morning and kept crying 'cos I couldn't get to sleep. I really need to invest in some sleeping pills. It's really hard not having health insurance, by the way. (Stupid America and no social medicine or whatever.) So, lately I've been having to rely on OTC medication to get me through...blah.

       I really think I'm having an emotional breakdown/melt down...etc. I haven't been on medication for a year and a half now. The last prescription I was on was Zoloft, and that stuff was crap---there would be days I would end up having these crying episodes and really just made me feel so off. Way before that, I was put on Prozac and that didn't work out too well either---made me gain weight and just made me want to sleep all the time. Later I found out, through a psychiatrist, that Prozac is usually given to anorexic/EDNOS patients to gain weight or men who have erection problems...which I found interesting. Anyways, I'm just rambling here, sorry.

      I'm feeling so helpless and hopeless...and it's probably my fault for feeling that way. I've been eating crap the past couple days...I did well on Monday, but Saturday, Sunday, and Today it's been horrible. I'm so miserable and I really hate when I mess up and eat. I really want to be perfect...or live up to other people's expectations of me. "Oh, Maria...you're so good at everything.." etc. etc. It really puts a toll on one's mind. I hate having to plaster on a fake smile everyday, even though I'm really feeling unbearably down. As of late, I've gone back to feeling a bit disassociated and not feeling like I'm actually here...it's the worst feeling in the world to look in the mirror and not recognise yourself and also the numb feeling that comes over you. I ended up getting upset and hitting my arm, hard, over and over---until I bruised. There is something beautiful about bruises...the colour of them. Yeah, anyways, I sound a bit mental saying that, right? Haha.

    Well, I guess I will end this here. I hope something good does happen this week. 

Stay lovely, everyone.

Maria xxxx
       

Je suis très stupide. Ich bin sehr dumm. Estoy muy estúpida. I am stupid, but it's ok. :-)

Edie Sedgwick--a free spirit. R.I.P

       Well, today (Actually yesterday...since it's 3.11am over here.) was a decent day. My boyfriend contacted me...YAY! The only problem was that I messed up and binged my heart out, unintentionally. I was doing so well until I went out to the cinema with my little sister, Sierra and my friend(Allia's boyfriend) Alex. We went and saw the film 'The Last Exorcism'. It was actually a decent film for being a faux documentary horror film. It had a little humour in it but a bit freaky at the same time.
      Anyways, before going to the cinema, I only consumed 650ish calories and had burned it all off. So I was at zero calories for the time being. Then, I went to the film snacked on some sour patch kids, pretzels, diet coke....and then after the film...DUN dun DUUUUNNN...In 'N' Out. Argggggggh, I wish I would have stayed vegetarian (In high school I was veggie for all four years and then wasn't for 5 years and then went back to veggie for 3 years...and so the cycle continues...), 'cos it would have been so easy to say, "Eh, no thanks. There's nothing I can eat here." Then I wouldn't have eaten the blahdy-blahness.  Well, I can't be too hard on myself 'cos I've done pretty good with not binging all week, so I'll let this one slide. I was able to go straight home afterwards and purge it all up---which makes yourself feel so much better.
     Yeah, so I'm not even going to attempt to type down all my food intake tonight 'cos I didn't measure anything out and I don't want to put myself in a downer due to it. BTW, I think I'm going to start a two-day fast on Sunday...the main reason is for my older brother, Michael. He was just deployed over to Afghanistan on Tuesday. So, it will be dedicated to him and for any other person who might be going through some sort of hardship at this time. So, hopefully I can practice the self-control and get through this. I will keep drinking liquids during the fast so that I don't dehydrate and what not.

   I hope all you lovely girls, who read this, are having a spectacular and magnificient day full of positiveness. I wish you all the best on this day to day fight on finally reaching your ultimate goal. I'm rooting for you to accomplish it!!!

Peace, love, and beautiful butterflies,

Maria xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tears run rings...

Marianne Faithfull-circa 1960s

    Well, I haven't heard from my boyfriend today. I rang him twice--no answer. I would like to think his phone was on silent or in a different room, but if he really didn't want to talk to me...it would have gone straight to voice-mail, right? Yeah, I'll just keep telling myself that. He did say he's been feeling flu-ish, but he was able to go to the gig and probably drink, but who knows...I do trust him. Anyways, today has been a bad day, nonetheless. My mind is the culprit...it's so cruel. I think I cried so much that I could have filled up a pond. Hmmm, I wonder if crying burns off calories. Probably doesn't burn that many, but it would be nice if it did. haha

     I hate being stuck in the house all day. I have my little dachshund, Harrison, to keep me company...but he's a bit evil at times and it just makes my episode of depression even worse. A positive thing is that I didn't eat much, but I'm still at 280lbs. But, I think it's due to me feeling so bloated, I need to take some sort of fibre supplement or just take some laxatives to help with that issue.  

     I really didn't get much sleep last night, either. I slept for two hours and then stayed up from 11pm-12.30pm and then took a two-hour nap. I really need to get myself some OTC sleeping pills 'cos this no sleep thing is driving me bonkers and is probably making me gain more weight. Argggh, I'm such a wreck the head, I'm pitiful, and I'm such a failure. I'm really going through Ireland withdrawals, it will be a year on the 18th of September (which is when I leave for Chicago this year, coincidentally.) I miss it so much. I will live there one day whether I have to kill someone to make that dream happen. Ok well, I won't kill anyone, but I'll do whatever it takes to get over there. Anyways, I'm going to end this ramble-bamble session here. I hope tomorrow is definitely a better day and I really hope I get a good sleep tonight, I really need it. Also, I hope God answers my prayers about my relationship with my boyfriend. I don't want to it to be over and I hope I didn't mess anything up with my constant insecurity with the issue. :-(

Here's my caloric intake for the day:

Breakfast- 

Red Plum-30cals.

Snack-

2 slices of pepperoni-20cals.

Lunch- 

1oz of Tortilla Chips- 140cals.

1/8c. shredded medium cheddar-60cals.

1tbsp of salsa-5cals.

Dinner-

Half of a chicken breast (Popeye's skinless and no coating)-168cals

1tbsp of mashed potatoes-62cals.

Total Intake=485cals.

Total Burned=813cals.

-328cals


P.S. Welcome to my two new bloggy dears, seeing that people are following this blog really brightened up my day!!! Thanks so much!

Peace, Love, and waterproof mascara,

Maria xxxxxxx

Update (27 Aug. 2010) ----------------------------------------------------------

Thanks so much, Margg.(BTW, welcome welcome!) and Wren for the comments...they really gave me a nice dose of positiveness (Which was definitely needed)!!!

I did talk to the boyfriend today and everything is grand. He apologised for not answering his phone and for not contacting me. So, all is good in this little neighbourhood of Mariaville! So, it was just me having a mental meltdown and me second guessing everything. Bad, Maria, Bad! *slaps own wrist*

Hope you girls are having a lovely day. Stay strong and lovely, my dears. xxxxxxx

Wishing this superstitious mind would just calm the eff down...

      I don't know why I'm so superstitious at times or feel that I might be jinxed when certain things or events happen. Is it because I want a scapegoat for why things go awry? Or is it because I'm just a routine-ish type of person and expect such things to happen on such given time. Anyways, the superstition of the day is the date of August 25th. Three years ago, exactly, one of my old boyfriends broke up with me after he got home from a late night party...he was also a long distance relationship living in Dublin, Ireland. (Yes, I really love Irish boys, I can't help it.) During that relationship I was about to move out to Ireland to be with him in a couple months, and of course it ended with a drop of dime. A year long relationship that I thought was going so well...and poof it ended like that. Of course I'm thankful it ended 'cos I would have never met my boyfriend of the present. He's wonderful...and of course we have the typical problems that come with being in a relationship, but we always solve our problems and etc. Anyways, tonight my boyfriend went to a gig of his favourite musician, Mark Lanegan. I bought the ticket for him and I'm happy I did 'cos he definitely deserves it. But yeah, I'm just sort of freaking out--thinking it will be the same outcome. I know in my heart it won't be, but I still get so scared at times. On a positive note, he did email me before he left and told me how excited he was and how he appreciated me giving him the opportunity to see this musician. I just hope I didn't open an opportunity for him to meet another girl who is a lot more interesting than me especially with the benefit of her living closer. :-( STOP it, Maria...STOP being so negative. Arrrrgggh. Someone save me from this mind, please! I hate it when things seem like they are going so well and then the next day everything just messes up royally. Maybe my negative thoughts make it happen...or it's karma coming back to haunt me. I don't know what I've done wrong for those sort of things to happen. Yeah, I feel emotionally retarded for thinking such things and letting it bother me. Blech. :-( The one thing that is keeping me afloat is my faith in prayer and knowing somehow God is there to take care of me. I'm not crazy religious, but I do believe in God and his mysterious ways of helping me out in times of crisis...Yeah. Pfffffttt....

        *SIGH* Another positive of the day is that I did pretty well with the calorie intake, small portions and all. Yippee.

Breakfast-

Red plum- 30cals.

Lunch-

1oz tortilla chips-140cals.

1/8c.Medium cheddar, shredded-60cals.

1tbsp Salsa-5cals.

1tbsp Sour Cream-30cals.

Snack-

3 chocolate covered wafers-130cals

English Tea with tbsp of milk-10cals.

Dinner-

1 egg, scrambled-70cals.

2 slices bacon-90cals.

1 buttermilk biscuit-100cals.

Vitamin Water- 100cals....geez Louise...

Total Consumed=765cals.

Total Burned=1190cals.

-425 cals. for the day! Yay! But I'll be working out later to burn off more. :-)

   Anyways, I just hope tomorrow is a good day and that I'll hear from my love and I truly hope he had a good time. Please no bad news....pretty please with a cherry on top. :-/ 

Peace, love, and high hopes,

Maria xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Feeling like the most inept that has ever stepped on the face of this Earth...

Oh Twiggy! I'm so jealous of you!

   Sometimes I wish I could just fall back into my old habits of cutting when I'm feeling down and depressed. Amazingly, I haven't cut myself in three months--although I struggle with it every day. The only reason I don't cut myself is because I promised my boyfriend that I wouldn't, but it's on my mind, constantly. I lust for pain to get me through these hard times. Pain is the only thing that you can count on. Love and happiness are fleeting...I wish they could just be a constant companion. Self-destruction is the constant shadow that follows me and sabotages everything dear to me.

    Anyways, a little background with my cutting...I've been struggling with this issue since the age of eight...it's always been there to get me through the times of rejection, times of verbal abuse from my sister, times of just feeling like a failure...and etc. I'm 26 now, and I still haven't learned to cope with my issues, whichever ones they may be.  Well, I know that my body image has always been the constant issue. I've always felt I was being compared to others...my younger sisters, my friends, and just others in general. I used to be a pill-popper especially with diet pills...I wish they still had strong diet pills like they did a few years ago...I know I lost a lot of weight during those times...but it definitely has messed up my metabolism and sleeping patterns a whole lot.

       I've realised when I'm really depressed it's easier to go without food for weeks...so I, sometimes, secretly like being depressed 'cos it does aid in the weight loss immensely. Arrrgh, I feel so messed up mentally. I obsess too much...I think I've gained so much weight recently because I just stopped caring and thinking about what I ate and also I stopped being vegetarian 'cos I thought it was easier to cook for the family if I ate what they ate...and it's messed me up. Blah. I just really want to be perfect for my boyfriend...I want him to be proud to have a girlfriend like me...proud of how I look. He's skinny...and of course, I secretly feel inadequate because of it. He can eat whatever he wants and not gain a pound or an ounce, but boys/men are lucky in that area. Boo hiss to them and their fast metabolisms!!!!

      Anyways, here's my caloric intake for today...of course I messed up again, but I did burn the necessary calories to make it seem ok...

Breakfast-

3/4 c. Honey Bunches of Oats with 1/2c. milk-150cals.

Snack-

Red Plum-30cals.

Lunch-

Chicken Hot Dog-140cals.

1 slice of white bread-67cals.

Ketchup-15cals.

Mustard-0cals.

Dinner-

4oz Pork Loin Chop-140cals.

1/8c. mashed potatoes-124cals.

Peas-40cals.

Pork gravy-60cals.

Evening Snack-

6 chocolate covered wafers(blah)-260cals.

16oz mocha from AMPM-190cals. (Double blah :-()

Total Consumed: 1216cals. :-(

Total Burned: 1481cals.

So in actuality, I'm in the negative,which is good, but in order to lose weight I need to burn more calories.

They say 3500cals=a pound...arggh...I really need to up the exercise....so I shall do some jumping rope right after I post this...EEP! Wish me luck.

Peace, Love, and blahness....

Maria xxxxxx

Edit @ 1.01am

I forgot to add that I had a cherry popsicle (45cals.) at lunchtime...so that brings up the total to 1261cals. I just got finished with ten minutes of jumping rope and eighteen minutes of jogging in place so...yippee-whoo-whoo! (-481cals.) :-)

    

To binge or not to binge...that is the question.

     Oy Vey to Mondays....I hate them, too. Pretty much I dislike every day. I suppose it's because I'm jobless at the moment and have been for a little over a year. I'm not lazy though, I don't lounge about the house doing nothing. I'm pretty much the housekeeper and cook for my family--well that is until I move to Chicago. I shall miss cooking for the family 'cos at least I can hide the times I don't want to eat and just tell them, "Oh, I ate earlier..." I really look forward to Chicago.  I'll be able to walk everywhere and I won't have to rely on a car...which has always been my dream. I've been to Ireland a few times--walking and exploring places was definitely some of my favourite parts...well my favourite was spending time with my boyfriend doing that stuff.

     Anyways, food is definitely the devil. I wish counting calories weren't so frustrating, especially when you make mostly everything out of scratch. It seems so much easier when you just don't eat anything...'cos when you have your first bite of food the binging frenzy starts.  PFFT! One great thing is that any activity you do does burn of some off those calories...even taking a nap. The best website alive is www.livestrong.com . On there you can enter in all your daily food intake and fitness and it will calculate everything for you...it's great and addicting. 

My Daily Caloric Intake:

Breakfast- 

Greek Yoghurt (Honey Vanilla)-130 cals.

Lunch- 

Two quesadillas with salsa-440 cals.

Snack-

Cherry popsicle- 45cals.

Dinner-

Taco Salad- 577.31cals.

Evening Snack- (Blah to me, I know!)

Two pieces of toast with raspberry jam- 240cals.

English tea with splenda (and splash of milk)-10cals.

Total Calories Consumed= 1442cals.(BLAH to the max!)

Total Calories Burned= 1000cals.(YEAH!)

     I hope tomorrow proves to be a lot better. I'll eat a lot of fruit and veggies and eat small portions of everything that is bad or me. Good luck to me!

Peace, love, and blah-blee-blah,

Maria xxxxx

Sundays aren't fun-days...

I'm so jealous of her legs...pfft. :-<

Bleh....I truly hate Sunday. It's deemed the day of rest, but in actuality it's the the day of feeling lazy, eating too much, and missing that certain someone way too much. I started out pretty well. I had lunch which consisted of a 2oz. portion of penne with sausage marinara (which I made myself) and a nice big bottle of water. (350cals) After that I ended up falling asleep for 5 hours straight... I don't know if that's good or bad, but I didn't get any sleep last night. I went to bed at 5am and woke up at 8am. I really need to get my sleeping back on schedule...especially since I'm moving to Chicago, IL in 27 days and going back to college (at Le Cordon Bleu) in a little more than a month.

      Anyways, after waking up from the much needed rest, I ended up scarfing down a BLT (390cals) and two pieces of toasted white pan bread with raspberry jam (240cals). Blah, I feel like such a failure after I eat. I definitely feel better about myself when I don't have a gram of food floating around in my stomach, but I suppose that's not possible sometimes. I wish it were.
        I feel so lonely at the moment. It is definitely hard being in a long distance relationship, but when you really love someone you'd sacrifice anything for a future with that person, and he is someone I want to be with in my future, indefinitely. I just really need to stay positive and look forward to the day he'll be able to move out to Chicago with me so we can start our new life together. I pray every single day that everything will work out in the best possible way...I really don't know what I would do if he were to suddenly disappear out of my life...it would truly be heartbreaking. :-(
      Well, I guess I will end this blog here...I'm feeling a bit melancholy, morose...depressed. I just hope tomorrow is a better day...filled with love, no binging, and just positiveness. Hope luck is on my side.


Total Consumed: 980cals
Total Burned: 400cals

Peace, love, and hopefully a skinny bum sometime soon,

Maria xxxx

Late night/early morning thoughts and first post.

Sharon Tate...She was so gorgeous. (RIP)

     Well, here I am...it's 4am over here in California, and I'm still awake. I should be asleep, but I've been having trouble with the whole sleep thing for the last few weeks. It's a bit daunting and frustrating, but I suppose that's life. Anyways, I decided to start this blog to keep tabs on my diet, my emotions...basically my daily life. I know no one will read this blog, but at least it will help get random and harmful thoughts out of my head. Yeah.
     Today (well, actually yesterday) I had a decent day, I think. I had a good time talking to my boyfriend, who's miles upon miles away in Ireland...so any time that I get to talk to him makes my day go a lot better. After talking to him on the phone, I went to the cinema with my sister, Sierra and her two friends Dawn and Mandy. Allia's (my other sister) boyfriend was there, too. We ended up seeing 'Vampire Sucks'. It was an OK film, it was so stupid that you just had to laugh at it. And, I ended up eating too much in the evening, which is a No, NO, no...I was doing so well with eating some fruit earlier and then at 9pm I ended up eating Del Taco. After the film, I ended up eating at In-N-out....bleh. Cheeseburger, some fries and a strawberry blahshake. The only saving grace was being able to come straight home afterwards and purge most of it out...'cos my stomach didn't appreciate the shite. But yeah...I really need to lose weight. I've gained so much weight the past few months from stress, holidays, and depression. I just don't understand how it happens so fast. You gain the weight fast, but it takes ages to work off the weight. Blah to the max.
     I've always had this problem...my weight fluctuating, constantly. I wonder if I messed up my metabolism when I was around the age of eight. I remember my friends and I would go on these diets where we would try not to eat much and if we did eat a lot we would vomit it all up...what an unhealthy way to start a childhood....having a eating disorder. Now at the age of 26, I'm still on this roller coaster, just hope that one day soon I'll be at a weight I'm happy and proud to be at...I want this 'pretty' face of mine to be part of a whole package of prettiness...hopefully this blog will allow me to accomplish this goal/dream. Hope is the keyword...

Cheers.

xxxx