Feeling like the most inept that has ever stepped on the face of this Earth...

Oh Twiggy! I'm so jealous of you!

   Sometimes I wish I could just fall back into my old habits of cutting when I'm feeling down and depressed. Amazingly, I haven't cut myself in three months--although I struggle with it every day. The only reason I don't cut myself is because I promised my boyfriend that I wouldn't, but it's on my mind, constantly. I lust for pain to get me through these hard times. Pain is the only thing that you can count on. Love and happiness are fleeting...I wish they could just be a constant companion. Self-destruction is the constant shadow that follows me and sabotages everything dear to me.

    Anyways, a little background with my cutting...I've been struggling with this issue since the age of eight...it's always been there to get me through the times of rejection, times of verbal abuse from my sister, times of just feeling like a failure...and etc. I'm 26 now, and I still haven't learned to cope with my issues, whichever ones they may be.  Well, I know that my body image has always been the constant issue. I've always felt I was being compared to others...my younger sisters, my friends, and just others in general. I used to be a pill-popper especially with diet pills...I wish they still had strong diet pills like they did a few years ago...I know I lost a lot of weight during those times...but it definitely has messed up my metabolism and sleeping patterns a whole lot.

       I've realised when I'm really depressed it's easier to go without food for weeks...so I, sometimes, secretly like being depressed 'cos it does aid in the weight loss immensely. Arrrgh, I feel so messed up mentally. I obsess too much...I think I've gained so much weight recently because I just stopped caring and thinking about what I ate and also I stopped being vegetarian 'cos I thought it was easier to cook for the family if I ate what they ate...and it's messed me up. Blah. I just really want to be perfect for my boyfriend...I want him to be proud to have a girlfriend like me...proud of how I look. He's skinny...and of course, I secretly feel inadequate because of it. He can eat whatever he wants and not gain a pound or an ounce, but boys/men are lucky in that area. Boo hiss to them and their fast metabolisms!!!!

      Anyways, here's my caloric intake for today...of course I messed up again, but I did burn the necessary calories to make it seem ok...

Breakfast-

3/4 c. Honey Bunches of Oats with 1/2c. milk-150cals.

Snack-

Red Plum-30cals.

Lunch-

Chicken Hot Dog-140cals.

1 slice of white bread-67cals.

Ketchup-15cals.

Mustard-0cals.

Dinner-

4oz Pork Loin Chop-140cals.

1/8c. mashed potatoes-124cals.

Peas-40cals.

Pork gravy-60cals.

Evening Snack-

6 chocolate covered wafers(blah)-260cals.

16oz mocha from AMPM-190cals. (Double blah :-()

Total Consumed: 1216cals. :-(

Total Burned: 1481cals.

So in actuality, I'm in the negative,which is good, but in order to lose weight I need to burn more calories.

They say 3500cals=a pound...arggh...I really need to up the exercise....so I shall do some jumping rope right after I post this...EEP! Wish me luck.

Peace, Love, and blahness....

Maria xxxxxx

Edit @ 1.01am

I forgot to add that I had a cherry popsicle (45cals.) at lunchtime...so that brings up the total to 1261cals. I just got finished with ten minutes of jumping rope and eighteen minutes of jogging in place so...yippee-whoo-whoo! (-481cals.) :-)