'I wear black on the outside 'cos black is how I feel on the inside...'

This positive outlook thingy-mahjig is not working to my favour. The more positive I try to be, the more the negative monster slowly creeps up. *SIGH* I didn't go to bed until 9 this morning...I called my boyfriend at 3.30am and just had a little chat to see what the matter is with him and his M.I.A status. He proceeds on telling me he's finding it very difficult that I'm so far away and he just hasn't been in the mood to talk to me(well he didn't actually use those words, but that was the jist of it)--but then he goes on saying everything will be fine; we will get through this and etc. To me that sounds like a foreshadowing of a negative event coming to past. I don't think I can deal with him making this decision. I've given him ample amount of opportunities to get out of this relationship and  if he's finding it unbearable...but he kept on promising me that everything is grand, that he wants to be with me, and that I need to stop worrying. How can he tell me to stop worrying when he's feeling this way and distancing his self away from me, especially when during times like these you should hold on tighter to each other more than ever? How can he even contemplate on letting go a year and a few months of memories we've had together? I could understand these feelings earlier on, but waiting until now is just cruel. Arrrrgh, I hate this feeling. I despise it. The only thing I can rely on is prayer and hoping God will show some sort of mercy on me and allowing everything to work out. I hate waiting and hate being surprised. I can be the most patient person ever, but when it comes to this you can only wait so long until you begin to wonder what the hell you've done wrong to deserve this and etc. Boys...stupid boys.

   I keep telling myself, "Maria, stop throwing yourself this stupid pity party...get over it. Remain positive and maybe everything will turn out OK....."I wish. I wish I could just listen to the positive and optimistic side of me, but I'm reverting back to having this pessimist take over. It's easier to be prepared to be disappointed rather than be optimistic and be let down. I know it's a horrible thought, but during times like these it seems only logic to do so. 
   Anyways, I'm just going to let life take it's course...I'm going to stop making this an issue and just hope he realises he would sacrifice anything to be with me...just like I would for him. If it does have a negative outcome, I'll take it with a grain of salt and try not to fall to pieces. I don't want to lose him, honestly...I care too much and love him too much. But is my love even enough? I hope. 


Hope everyone is having a great evening/day/morning...etc


Stay lovely, strong, and fearless,




Maria xxxxx