Heaven knows I'm miserable now....

'Der Kuss'-Gustav Klimt

      I haven't posted in awhile--due to not being in the mood for it and feeling the lowest I've felt in weeks. I've been having horrible nightmares that have been making me wake up--screaming and crying uncontrollably. I don't understand why I'm plagued with these nightmares; I've always had nightmares ever since I can remember. Does anyone else have this nightmare problem? I ended up only sleeping an hour this morning and kept crying 'cos I couldn't get to sleep. I really need to invest in some sleeping pills. It's really hard not having health insurance, by the way. (Stupid America and no social medicine or whatever.) So, lately I've been having to rely on OTC medication to get me through...blah.

       I really think I'm having an emotional breakdown/melt down...etc. I haven't been on medication for a year and a half now. The last prescription I was on was Zoloft, and that stuff was crap---there would be days I would end up having these crying episodes and really just made me feel so off. Way before that, I was put on Prozac and that didn't work out too well either---made me gain weight and just made me want to sleep all the time. Later I found out, through a psychiatrist, that Prozac is usually given to anorexic/EDNOS patients to gain weight or men who have erection problems...which I found interesting. Anyways, I'm just rambling here, sorry.

      I'm feeling so helpless and hopeless...and it's probably my fault for feeling that way. I've been eating crap the past couple days...I did well on Monday, but Saturday, Sunday, and Today it's been horrible. I'm so miserable and I really hate when I mess up and eat. I really want to be perfect...or live up to other people's expectations of me. "Oh, Maria...you're so good at everything.." etc. etc. It really puts a toll on one's mind. I hate having to plaster on a fake smile everyday, even though I'm really feeling unbearably down. As of late, I've gone back to feeling a bit disassociated and not feeling like I'm actually here...it's the worst feeling in the world to look in the mirror and not recognise yourself and also the numb feeling that comes over you. I ended up getting upset and hitting my arm, hard, over and over---until I bruised. There is something beautiful about bruises...the colour of them. Yeah, anyways, I sound a bit mental saying that, right? Haha.

    Well, I guess I will end this here. I hope something good does happen this week. 

Stay lovely, everyone.

Maria xxxx